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As Aristotle said, "hearing out a poor argument is worse than a kick in the penis," but he wore Greek penis armor at all times, so...


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Movie Sheriffs





Sheriffs in small towns never seem to do much. In the movies, anyhow. We all know that law enforcement officers in real life are upstanding collectors of speeding-ticket revenue for the small town the...



Posted: Oct. 31, 2018

Stop! Stabbertime!





According to pretty much every slasher movie I've ever seen, this is 100% true. Just lumber along and death-kill everyone and you won't get caught by the cops. In fact, the only way you can be stopped...



Posted: Oct. 30, 2017

Movie Time





It's a big movie-watching weekend. So many titles hitting the screen, and a lot of them are sequels or prequels. I can seldom make heads or tails of things just from watching trailers, so I came up wi...



Posted: May. 19, 2017

Ejaculo!





This summer, a very special robot goes on a journey to make friends and learn about what it means to be alive... or... activated... or whatever. A touching film for the whole family....



Posted: May. 08, 2017

Coming soon to SYFY!





In the spirit of rather zany disaster movies, comes the latest original offering from SYFY! Don't worry about the fact that we were forced to change our name and picked the dumbest thing anyone could ...



Posted: Mar. 11, 2017

Today's Movies





You ever watch a movie from the past and think to yourself "wow, they'd never let that fly these days?"
Well, so do I, and I've combined this with my love of charts. ...



Posted: Feb. 16, 2017

Ayatollah You About This...





Sometimes, fate an circumstance conspire to put incredibly unqualified people into high positions of power. Watch as a hapless Michael Cera becomes the sensation of a nation and decrees a fatwa of wac...



Posted: Jan. 19, 2017

Romantic Comedy...





Just in time for Valentine's Day, it's a comedy about a couple whose marriage is in trouble, and the only way they can think to save it is by conquering the anal frontier! Ryan Reynolds and Sandra Bul...



Posted: Jan. 05, 2017

The Santa Closet





Santa Claus. Right jolly old elf. Well, he's been keeping a secret for a long time, and now that's about to come to an end. Now the holidays will be even more festive, now that's he's about to come ou...



Posted: Dec. 24, 2016

Harambe - The Movie





Coming soon to a theater near you, the touching story of a boy, an ape, their love, and the national tragedy that followed. I don't usually do memes, but when I do, well... here ya go....



Posted: Oct. 14, 2016

Kill Pickle!





Out of the depths of the... cucumber patch... comes a story of such evil that it could only be reserved for the most brave of viewers. The savage story of a man gone too far. Tune in this Halloween fo...



Posted: Oct. 13, 2016

Poli-ticks!





A military genetics program is being displayed before congress, but then all hell breaks loose, and now both the House and the Senate are fighting for their lives. Nobody can abstain when faced with t...



Posted: Sep. 30, 2016

The Legend of...





Action movies will never be the same, not after this thrill-a-minute rollercoaster ride featuring a man who is half Bob... and also half Robert. It has adventure, intrigue, romance, mystery, and like ...



Posted: Sep. 22, 2016

Tim Burton's Latest





New from Tim Burton, a story about a weird, morbid, eccentric guy, who is actually just misunderstood and quite likable. This guy has to win the hearts and minds of people who don;t trust him at first...



Posted: Sep. 21, 2016

Commie Produce





Usually, when you think of farming, you don't think of communism. Well, okay, maybe sometimes you do. But I don't think this movie was part of anyone's five-year plan. Coming this fall to a theater ne...



Posted: Jun. 23, 2016

Classical Gas





They certainly don't make movies like they used to. In this classic film, an artist with tremendous talent but terrible gas issues must cope with the rigors of trying to win a painting contest and bec...



Posted: Apr. 21, 2016

Guess the Plot





There's a new game going around the 'net, where you briefly describe the plot of a movie you've never seen, based solely on what has shown up in passing.
Here's my pick....



Posted: Mar. 27, 2016

Buttsex Hero!





Buttsex hero! No, it's not a video game with a funny controller, but instead is a big-budget Hollywood production about a simple country boy who moves to Los Angeles to live out his dream of being an ...



Posted: Jan. 29, 2016

Happy MLK Day, 2016





It's MLKing Day. And while you enjoy yourself a nice tall, cool glass, you should consider watching this classic film about when the struggle for civil rights got serious and mothafuckas had to get bl...



Posted: Jan. 18, 2016

VHS Library





Found this when I was digging around a filthy box in a filthy place. A real testament to those completely not-derivative and bold concepts that comprised 1980s horror films. Time to fire up the VCR!
...



Posted: Jan. 13, 2016

When Life Gives You...





Sometimes, something happens which is so horrible, people can't help but make a film about it. Usually, these are grand mysteries, or fantastic crimes, but an overlooked 1982 slaughtering spree commit...



Posted: Jan. 07, 2016

Vocab for Ewoks





Yeah, Ewoks. I know. The great debate amongst Star Wars fans rages still about whether Ewoks or Jar-Jar were worse additions to the movies. This will probably be argued forever, but one thing that can...



Posted: Dec. 30, 2015

Nazi or Nice





It's 1944, and there's been a crazy Christmas mix-up!

You see, Oskar Schindler and Santa Claus have gotten their lists switched.

Will the gifts be delivered on time?

Will Santa be visiting em...



Posted: Nov. 02, 2015

Schindler's Fist





Sometimes, a man has a calling, greater than him. This winter, find out what one man will do to stand up for what's right, and challenge the forces of evil.

Can he fit his whole arm up to the elbow...



Posted: Oct. 21, 2015

The classics are terrifying.





I sat down to watch what appeared to be a classic horror film, but I seem to have been bamboozled.
It think this is the bootleg Hong Kong version or something....



Posted: Oct. 16, 2015

Farmed Parenthood





Ah, those timeless old horror movies. You really can't beat the classic feel of that era, and they always had the best posters.

This example is from the short-lived period where everyone was making...



Posted: Sep. 28, 2015

the Astro-Bastards





Coming this winter to a theater near you.

The cold uterus of space is ready to deliver, and it's up to a crew of two professional infant exterminators to stop it before it kills everything onboard ...



Posted: Sep. 26, 2015

The Milkman Cometh





Every now and then, comes a film, so shocking in its nature that you can't help but watch it and eat loudly. This is one of those films. Based on real events in the summer of 1974. A small farming com...



Posted: Aug. 31, 2015

Chicken Showdown





The bitter rivals in the chicken game finally go head-to-head. One shall stand, and one shall fall. The legendary struggle, finally brought to life on the big screen, and the chicken particulate is ab...



Posted: Aug. 10, 2015

Imperial Russian Porn





What would have happened if Tsar Nicholas II wasn't executed by the filthy Bolsheviks, and had fled to California to get a fresh start on life? Find out when you watch "Porn Tsar" - the heartwarming a...



Posted: Jul. 31, 2015

DMX-mas





Coming this holiday season, a down-and-out rapper witnesses terrorists kidnapping none other than Santa Claus in a back alley after a dice game on Christmas Eve.

Finding his magical sleigh down the...



Posted: Jul. 30, 2015

Arsonist of Hope





A man travels the countryside, finding lost souls and sob stories as he goes. His magic gift with arson, however, leaves everyone he touches looking at life in a new light.

Golly, I love these hear...



Posted: Jun. 05, 2015

Marky's Ark!





Ah, how could the world have forgotten the works of Marcus Q. Mark? Oh wait, they didn't!

In this delightful summer comedy vehicle, a young Mark Wahlberg goes back in time for no good reason and wi...



Posted: May. 17, 2015

King Who?





You know, I kind of wish "King Ralph" was a sequel or remake of "Kong." Would have been a hell of a lot more entertaining....



Posted: May. 07, 2015

Lepre-consarnit





Sometimes, trying to avoid cultural appropriation is a struggle you just can't win....



Posted: May. 06, 2015

SPURM!





I think this would have taken the movie in a bold new direction....



Posted: May. 06, 2015

Thuggish Ruggish Bones





Yeah, I think ol' Snoop's idea about simplifying the character was maybe taking it and making it a little too simple.

Then again, maybe it would have worked, and the director was a fool not to try ...



Posted: May. 05, 2015

Alien vs. Good Taste





The hopes we all had for this movie when it first came out, all shattered. But we can just pretend that movie... and the series it spawned, just don't exist.
...



Posted: May. 04, 2015

Patch Cure-all





No word on whether or not it actually works. I'm betting it does, because laughter is the best medicine, and blasting rails of Patch Adams up your booger-chute is the best way to get those laughs in t...



Posted: May. 04, 2015

Animal Cracker-geddon





Reportedly, he would just sit there, chewing, with a goofy smile on his face, and then he'd bare his cracker-filthy smile directly at the camera and hold his gaze for minutes at a time.

It was not ...



Posted: May. 04, 2015

Turner? Hooch?





It's amazing how drastically some films change after a few script revisions....



Posted: May. 03, 2015

Da foe changed





To be fair, it's not all that much of a change.
...



Posted: May. 03, 2015

Ernest vs. Jason





I think this would have shattered box-office records, as it would have been one of the formative horror-movie crossovers.

If you think Ernest movies aren't horror movies, you haven't been over 12 ...



Posted: May. 03, 2015

Horsing around





Adam Sandler is firm as fudge on this one, as he believes it preserves the artistic integrity of the films.
...



Posted: May. 02, 2015

That Robin Williams...





Truly one of the great comedians and actors of our age. I can only imagine the hilarity he would have added to that, or any film.

It seems that his replacement will be Bill Cosby....



Posted: May. 02, 2015

Johnny's deep





Fan favorite Johnny Depp is not one to rest on his laurels. He still makes great efforts to ensure that his acting is top-notch....



Posted: May. 02, 2015

Jack's back





Truly, this is a mystery that will inspire quizzical looks among film students and moviegoers for ages to come....



Posted: May. 02, 2015

Who's Your Caddy?





It is unknown to science whether or not this means that all other movies there are more terrible than this one, or that this one is merely subjectively deemed better than all the rest.

Regardless, ...



Posted: May. 02, 2015

Welcome to URF!





Something most folks don't know about the smash hit, "Independence Day."

...



Posted: May. 01, 2015

Oops!





The very popular recent series of kids' books, "The Hunger Games," have made for a very popular recent movie series.

But, like all Hollywood productions, they're not without their little blunders....



Posted: May. 01, 2015

Charlie, no!





Working on the set of "Willy Wonka" must have been like a very 1970s dream come true, except shooting the river scenes. Or if you are afraid of midgets and dwarfs... then it would be hell. A short, or...



Posted: May. 01, 2015

Crotch Capers





Disney are well-known for having hidden scenes with oddball material and references to other films. In this case though, I'm not really sure what they're trying to get across... aside from groin lust,...



Posted: May. 01, 2015

The Horror!





What do you know? Watching horror films is good for body and mind.

...



Posted: May. 01, 2015

Adolf at the bat





Just when you thought there would never be another good underdog sports movie, along comes "Designated Hitler!"

It's a heartwarming story about a Führer, and a bad-luck baseball team with the wor...



Posted: Apr. 28, 2015

He's going APE!





Coming this fall, is the heartwarming tale of a Las Vegas pimp who happens to have a tragic accident, costing him the use of his legs.

He thinks all is lost, until a new service animal from the Dep...



Posted: Apr. 26, 2015

My-KILL Jackson





A group of friends go fishing in the woods, and encounter the legendary King of Pop, brought back to life by a genie, or a dying child's wish, or Robin Williams or something.

However, not all is w...



Posted: Apr. 22, 2015

50 Shades of Cent





So, apparently this upcoming movie has everyone super stoked. It's apparently about a rapper from New York who grew up on the mean streets before finding his true love: bondage play.

It's truly hea...



Posted: Feb. 09, 2015

Killrus!





In the darkness of the arctic sea, it waited.
For years, it has shadowed the shore.
Now, a fishing expedition to the great white North will prove to be the greatest challenge for a group of friends,...



Posted: Dec. 15, 2014

Stalin in SPACE!





Terror... Soviet style!

Two brave cosmonauts, Ivan Ivanovich and Sergei Ilyich, accompany the frozen body of Josef Stalin into orbit, in order to send his body into the cosmos and send a message to...



Posted: Oct. 01, 2014

Buttsex Island





From the masters of anus-friction-related horror, comes a story of what happens when the guy from Growing Pains (not Kirk Cameron) gets trapped on an island full of cannibals who like it in the dumper...



Posted: Jul. 01, 2014

Kill Bill Cosby





Grievously wronged by an evil pudding company, one sweater-wearing ninja takes on entire armies, and skilled assassins, just to get his chocolatey-sweet revenge. Coming this summer to a theater near y...



Posted: Jun. 30, 2014

Impossible Sausage





This winter, four friends discover an abandoned bratwurst museum behind a popular shopping mall, and end up being forced to somehow eat a full serving of sausage with some kind of crazy bullshit locke...



Posted: Jun. 20, 2014

Piña Kill-ada





When good drinks go bad.
Spending time on the beach with your favorite cocktail seemed like a good idea for five eager friends, but when they start dying in festive, tropical ways, the race is on to ...



Posted: Jun. 18, 2014

The Creeping Penis





From the depths of the 1950s, comes a movie that thrilled and chilled the audiences of the day!

From the depths of space or some shit, comes THE CREEPING PENIS: a hulking, green phallus whose missi...



Posted: Jan. 07, 2014

JFK: Secret Gigolo





Exposed!

JFK, like you've never seen him before. A compilation of recently-declassified documents and footage that reveal the secret life of the USA's 35th president.

It seems he was a statesman...



Posted: Dec. 03, 2013

Taken 3: Taken In Space





In this gripping sequel to "Taken," and "Taken 2: The Takening," a gritty Liam Neeson finds himself working at Chili's to make ends meet, and then, suddenly, out of the blue and completely unexpectedl...



Posted: Sep. 30, 2013

Trap and a Half





The contemporary remake of the classic film "Cop and a Half," starring Burt Reynolds.

This version stars Gucci Mane, though, as the cop, and some kid as the some kid.

Watch the two of them learn...



Posted: Sep. 09, 2013

Goebbels' Gerbils





During World War II, the German minister of propaganda hatched a sinister plot to wreak havoc on the allies using a horde of ravenous, specially-bred rodents.

The project was top secret, and the ev...



Posted: Aug. 16, 2013

A Führer for Christmas





A little girl wants nothing else but a caring fatherly figure around for the holidays. She thought she didn't care who, until Adolf Hitler showed up to spend some quality time.

Watch their initiall...



Posted: Aug. 12, 2013

Ernest's last movie





Towards the end of his days, Jim Varney, who portrays the titular Ernest, made a lot of direct-to-video sequels.
This being the final one, before he died, and presumably did indeed go to some manner ...



Posted: Aug. 01, 2013

Johnny Facepunch





From the depths of something, he waited.

From the masters of really annoying horror, comes the movie nobody was waiting for.

The tale of JOHNNY FACEPUNCH!

Get ready to get your face all sorts...



Posted: Apr. 21, 2013

Deuce Buggalo!





This is the story of Deuce Buggalo, a normal guy with a normal job who ended up racking up a massive debt through no fault of his own.

When one of his customers claims that fans of Insane Clown Pos...



Posted: May. 03, 2012

Smack and Me





The story of a boy who goes off to summer camp and ends up with a heroin habit that changes his life.

Before, he was a bookish nerd who had trouble making friends, but ever since he started shootin...



Posted: Nov. 14, 2011

Mophand McKnifestabber





Everyone fondly recalls those touching coming-of-age movies we all watched when we were adolescents. Well, this is probably my favorite of the bunch.

Those kids learned a lot about living from the ...



Posted: Nov. 07, 2011

The Statutory Ape





Those mid-70s monster flicks are always a gamble. They try and do so much. Most of the time they usually end up as bad creature-features with sexploitation themes and weak '70s gore effects. Usually a...



Posted: Nov. 06, 2011

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